Player of the week: Week 2: Theo Walcott (21 points)

Theo: On his marks to get set and run up a cul-de-sac of full backs.

With a quick fire hat-trick and a boy of-the-match performance against the mighty Blackpool. Fabio Capello is looking sillier that a man has who has taken over the post of a national ambassador for a country he struggle’s to speak the language of.

Does Theo have a football brain? Is there such thing as a football brain?….and if so, here’s a message to my ex-neighbours back in Charles St. South borough (1986-91). I think I kicked it into you rhododendron bush when I was ten, can I have it back? You’ve robbed me of the best 20 years of my career.

But that’s enough about a player who appears to have his hair drawn on in permanent marker by an ex-employee of the Action Man factory. There was another hat-trick from another player who might who might not again reach the public consciousness so immediately. Mr Andy Carroll of Newcastle.

Although Carroll’s surname sounds like a Christmas sing-along Andy is no choirboy. With a couple of arrests for drunk and disorderly behavior, an alleged assault and a pending court case for breaking a team-mates jaw in training, his stay in the PL might not last long.

Or will it. Does anyone else remember a 6”3 striker with a questionable temperament who once wore the black ‘n’ white stripe’s of the ‘Toon’ in-between suspensions and spells at Everton/ prison?

Is Andy Carroll the ‘new’ Duncan Ferguson? I hope so……… and if my any chance David Moyes happens to ever read this blog. SIGN HIM UP NOW!!!!

P.S. If I ever tell you I’m going burgling in Newcastle and, if you have it, please let me know A.C’s address so I can steer clear.