Manager of the week: Paul Hollands - Eboue is my God (89 points)

Paul is not rightfully top of the league and reinforcing the worrying trend of Arsenal fans hovering around the top of the table without ultimately winning anything. Paul was actually joint manager of the week last week, but I knew he’d be back.

Although there is one huge blot on Hollands’ copybook in his refusal to answer e-mails about membership of my new Dodgeball team. ‘The Awful Dodgers’. As his profile picture suggests Paul loves dressing up and what with London Dodgeball UK league being all about that sort of thing. We’d think he’d love it, but alas no.

Player of the week: Week 2: Theo Walcott (21 points)

Theo: On his marks to get set and run up a cul-de-sac of full backs.

With a quick fire hat-trick and a boy of-the-match performance against the mighty Blackpool. Fabio Capello is looking sillier that a man has who has taken over the post of a national ambassador for a country he struggle’s to speak the language of.

Does Theo have a football brain? Is there such thing as a football brain?….and if so, here’s a message to my ex-neighbours back in Charles St. South borough (1986-91). I think I kicked it into you rhododendron bush when I was ten, can I have it back? You’ve robbed me of the best 20 years of my career.

But that’s enough about a player who appears to have his hair drawn on in permanent marker by an ex-employee of the Action Man factory. There was another hat-trick from another player who might who might not again reach the public consciousness so immediately. Mr Andy Carroll of Newcastle.

Although Carroll’s surname sounds like a Christmas sing-along Andy is no choirboy. With a couple of arrests for drunk and disorderly behavior, an alleged assault and a pending court case for breaking a team-mates jaw in training, his stay in the PL might not last long.

Or will it. Does anyone else remember a 6”3 striker with a questionable temperament who once wore the black ‘n’ white stripe’s of the ‘Toon’ in-between suspensions and spells at Everton/ prison?

Is Andy Carroll the ‘new’ Duncan Ferguson? I hope so……… and if my any chance David Moyes happens to ever read this blog. SIGN HIM UP NOW!!!!

P.S. If I ever tell you I’m going burgling in Newcastle and, if you have it, please let me know A.C’s address so I can steer clear.